Celebration Day - Last Chemo Treatment

I am in awe of the Lord's majesty shown through His people.  Even though the past 6 months have been tough, I have had more special days than not.  Today, was no exception.

I cannot tell you how wonderful it was to hear my nurse say, "You are done!"  I jumped up, rang the bell, and cried....I hugged my momma and friends. "We did it!"  This has not been a journey that I have traveled alone.  Quite the contrary.

I feel so loved and so special.  My family, friends, church family, neighbors, co-workers, and even strangers have carried me through this battle.  They have not left my side and I would have never made it this far without them. 

So today we celebrated!  We celebrated at my treatment and then I had a surprise waiting for me afterwards.  Yes, I was surprised!  The girl who always ruins surprises.  Our neighbors, Jeff and Cheryl recently opened up a Hot Shots in Arnold and they graciously opened their doors and hosted my celebration party.

It was so nice and I was so surprised!  So many people were there and they were there for me.  Thank you!  Thank you for loving me, supporting me, encouraging me, praying for me, and now celebrating with me.

I am really exhausted but I could not go to sleep without letting everyone know how special you are to me.  I appreciate ALL you've done and when I lay my head down tonight, I will thank the Lord for each one of you and I will pray that He blesses you a million times over for what you have done for me.

Much love to you and your family!  I will NEVER forget what you've done.  It truly means so much to me.

^{Philippians 1:3-6 NIV
3} I thank my God every time I remember you. ⁴ In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy ⁵ because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, ⁶ being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

I Can See the Light!

I apologize as I have not done a good job at keeping up with my blog.  While going back to work 3 days a week has been therapeutic because it takes my mind off of me, it definitely drains my energy level.

So today I finished up treatment #7.  I have 1 more to go!!  PTL!  Erin, Shannon, and of course, my momma sat with me and kept me company during the 4 hour long treatment.  My counts were the same as last treatment.  Another praise!

Even though I am sick and tired of being sick and tired, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I was diagnosed on January, 17th and I'm thankful the past 5 months have flown by.  Trust me, it has not been easy.  BUT, I know my Lord and Savior, my Heavenly Father, my Refuge and Strength, my Comforter, and my Healer has carried me through.

There have been times though that I humbly question Him, especially when I am at my weakest.  But then He lovingly reminds me that this is a brief season and that MANY blessings have come from it.  He speaks to me through the kind and encouraging words of others.  I trust Him and Him alone to see me and my family through this.

Psalm 20:7 NIV
Some trust in chariots and some in horses,
but we trust in the name of the Lord our God. 

A Sea of Pink

This post is a week overdue but treatment #3 is down in the books and #4 is this Thursday at 11 am.  My momma, Michelle, Tammy, and Shannon were there keeping me company.  Can't wait for the day where we can celebrate the very last one.  It will be a PARTEY!! 

I also want to mention that my blood counts were normal which is a HUGE praise.  As long as they stay in the healthy range, I have 5 remaining treatments (8 in total).  I don't want to think about the alternative if they do not.  So I ask you to please pray that they continue to remain healthy.

You might be wondering why I titled this post "A Sea of Pink."  Well, let me tell you....sometimes I find myself completely at a loss for words or just in utter amazement at the ourpouring of love and support I have received from my church family, friends, and co-workers.  Sunday, May 6th was no exception. 

It was suppose to be a surprise but I accidentally found out that our Pastor along with my dear friends had planned a special day at church in honor of those who have survived breast cancer or are currently being treated. Church members were asked to wear pink.  So even though I knew about it, I cannot tell you how overwhelmed I felt walking into the sanctuary and seeing a sea of pink.  I lost it!  It was so incredibly touching!

Even before I left the house, I was in tears.  Even though I knew about the special day, John and I really didn't talk much about it before hand.  But when I came downstairs that morning and saw John and my boys all wearing pink, it was such a sweet sight.  First of all, never have I seen my man wear pink but then my boys too.  They looked so cute! Well, I think they'd prefer I say handsome.  ;)

Oh and to top it all off, my girlfriends had this T-shirt made up and were selling them at church.  I love it!!

Oh wait!  There was one more special touch.  Our sweet neighbor Bebe surprised us and had tied pink ribbons around our front porch and the tree in our front yard.  You can see them in the picture above.

So lastly, I want to mention that I have returned to work (3 days a week).  Wednesday was my first day back and guess what everyone was wearing?!?  You guessed it.  Pink!  Loved it!  It was so sweet.  Some of the men even went out and bought a pink shirt.  Oh and on my desk were flowers from Carolyn and balloons from Brandii.  It was so nice to see everyone after being gone for 2 1/2 months.  I also enjoyed going out to lunch with my soul sisters, Tameka and Brandii.  I just LOVE my soul sisters!  I have been at my job for almost 7 years and will tell you that the people I work with are not just co-workers.  They are near and dear to me just like family.  When I hurt, they hurt and vice versa.

I am thankful beyond words, constantly moved to tears, by the outpouring of kindness and encouragement.  I do not feel worthy.  I don't know that I'll ever be able to repay them but ask my heavenly Father to pour out His blessings on all of these special people in my life. 

Love you all,
Sandy

Eve of Treatment #3

Here I am the eve of treatment #3 and I have insomnia.  It's been happening a lot lately too which is odd especially because I fatigue so easily.  But I guess it's giving me time to blog.  ;)

Treatment #2 went much better than the first.  Praise God!  Aside from fatigue, digestive issues, and mouth tasting like crude, it was tolerable.  It took me about a week to rebound from it which was perfect timing as it allowed me to enjoy my sisters wedding this past weekend. 

So while it was tolerable, I'm not ready to face #3.  Am I ready to get it over with?  Absolutely!  But I still hate everything about it.  I guess what I'm saying is that I need your continued prayers.  I need HIS strength.  

I recently read a book that Shannon recommended.  By the way, that girl does some reading!  I don't think she ever lets her mind rest.  LOL!  The book is called Me and the Ugly C by Becky Dennington.  The author is a survivor and while she always knew she'd be a writer some day, she never imagined her first book would document her breast cancer journey.

The author is also a Christian and lives 3 hours from St. Louis and traveled back and forth to Barnes for several months while undergoing treatment.  If you or anyone you know is battling BC, I highly recommend this book!  You're welcome to borrow my copy.

It was therapeutic for me.  It affirmed my thoughts, fears, and emotions.  There was one chapter in particular that really got to me.  It made me bawl.  Even if I didn't have BC, I'm sure I still would have cried.  But this one touched me deeply because I've been there.  She writes:

But some days I am not strong.

And some days I am not brave.

Some days I am sad and discouraged.

And sometimes there are reasons.

 And sometimes there just aren't.

Chemo was really taking it's toll on her emotionally and physically but she stayed strong and relied on her Heavenly Father to see her through.  She ended the chapter as follows which of course made me cry some more!

 Sometimes I forget to look, but my glass is half full...not empty.  I will REST when I'm tired.  I will not give up.  I will accept that some days will be hard and discouraging, but I know that tomorrow will be brighter.  I will remember that this isn't just about me and that there are others standing outside, depending on me to make it go away.

This woman's work is not done.

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us."  Romans 8:18



And this woman's work is NOT done either!  I WILL not give up!  I WILL continue to be strong for those around me!  Tomorrow WILL be brighter!

My Cup Runneth Over

So yesterday my hair was falling out by the handfuls and I just couldn't take it any longer.  I had a friend lined up today to help with the deed and even my sister-in-law as back-up.  But I just couldn't wait. 

I received my daily text from my dear friend, Erin asking me how I was doing and what could she do for me.  This girl has a heart of gold.  I don't know if there's anything she wouldn't do for me! I asked if she would come over and shave my hair and without hesitation she said, I'd be honored.

Then, I received my daily text from another dear friend, Shannon and once I told her what was going down.  It was on!  She rallied Michelle and Susan and within a short time, I had all four of these lovely ladies in my home ready to hold my hand, pray with me, laugh with me, cry with me, whatever I needed they were there for me.

These girls are teaching me so much about what it means to walk as a Godly woman.  To honour their Savior by carrying their friend through a difficult time, but doing so with so much joy in their hearts.  I am so grateful for each and every one of them!  They are all so busy taking care of their own families, but they dropped everything for me!  My illness, hair, etc. is so temporary, but the bond I share with these girls is for eternity.  LOVE  you girls with ALL my heart!

Proverbs 31:10-31 (NIV)

Epilogue: The Wife of Noble Character (Godly Woman)

^{10 [a]}A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
¹¹ Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
¹² She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
¹³ She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.
¹⁴ She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
¹⁵ She gets up while it is still night;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her female servants.
¹⁶ She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
¹⁷ She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.
¹⁸ She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
¹⁹ In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
²⁰ She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
²¹ When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
²² She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
²³ Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
²⁴ She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.
²⁵ She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
²⁶ She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
²⁷ She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
²⁸ Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
²⁹ “Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all.”
³⁰ Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
³¹ Honor her for all that her hands have done,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

God is so Gracious!

I'm sorry if my last post was upsetting for you.  I started it when I was really not feeling well.  Spiritually, mentally, and physically I was just depleted.  But thanks to your prayers, I am feeling so much stronger.

By the time I was on my way to my treatment, I was at peace.  My momma drove me and then I walk in, and my friends Shannon, Susan, and Tammy where already there waiting for me.  I just LOVE these girls!  We even went out to lunch afterwards.  God is so gracious!

I even got to go to the LifeNetwork banquet where I ate a yummy fried chicken meal and spent the evening with dear friends and got to hear a great speaker.  My sweet friend Michelle offered to drive me and I told her that I would call her by 6 pm if I was not feeling up to it.  Thankfully, I was still feeling well so I decided to get ready and realized that my hair was starting to fall out in small strands.  I didn't panic!  I just asked Jesus, one more night.  I'm an 80's girl so I decided to hair spray it down and it held up.  God is so gracious!

This morning I was scared to wash my hair but I did.  I was gentle with it though.  Lol!  I didn't even blow dry it that much.  I just scrunched it with product and hair spray and off I went to go shopping with my mom.  I first had to stop at the Curtis Jewelry to drop off a necklace to be fixed.  The lady who helped me was so beautiful and had the prettiest hair and do you know what she said to me?!?  I love your hair.  The color and style is so flattering on you!  Wha?!?  It was as if Jesus was speaking right through her.  My eyes just filled with tears and of course I had to explain to her why.  She ran and grabbed some tissues and told me she would pray for me.  God is so gracious!

I don't know why this is my appointment.  Maybe through this, a co-worker, a friend, a family member will come to know Christ as their personal Savior.  I have already seen how the Lord is working in my mom.  She has never been happier.  Don't get me wrong, it saddens her deeply to see me like this but He is also granting her peace.  Our church family and the Godly women who I have the pleasure of calling my dear friends have been a testimony of Christ's deep love for His people.

A close cousin of mine and her family had fallen away from the Lord and our family, but now I find them coming back around.  Praise God!  She is calling me on a regular basis and reminds me that I am still her little girl.  So while some days are filled with pain and disappointment, this makes it worth it.  Or when my boys are loving on me like nobody's business, it's all worth it.

I don't know how people get through times like this without the hope of Jesus Christ.   If there is anyone reading this who does not have a personal relationship with Christ, I strongly encourage you to reach out to me or another Christian friend you can put you on the path.  Please don't wait until something like this happens to you or some other trial in life.  I assure you, if you haven't experienced rough times in your life, just you wait because it WILL happen.  Life can be cruel and can beat you down, but when you have the hope in Jesus, He and only He can give you the strength to persevere.  Please know that I am speaking boldly out of love and not judgement.  I would love to share with you what my life was like without Christ and what a difference He has made in my life.  And yes, God is so gracious!

Our dear Pastor and friend sent this verse to me and John.

Isaiah 40:28-31 (NIV)

28 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

Much love,
Sandy

Treatment #2

I never imagined my first treatment would do me in as much as it did, but unfortunately they over did it on my meds (Zophran and steroids). Needless to say, I ended up with a severe migraine and nausea for days on end. If you know me, I am NOT a dramatic girl, but I have never felt so horrible in all my life! They were definitely some dark and emotional moments for me.

It took about a week to feel somewhat okay again, which was perfect timing because we left on Friday to go to KC to visit with my sister and Josh was in a soccer tourney. We took home the silver, by the way. WAY TO GO PANTHERS! Will have to post pictures later so you can see how adorable these boys are.

So treatment #2 is today at 11:45 and I feel sick just thinking about it. This one will probably be the worst for me. As if the nausea wasn't bad enough, I am told I will lose my hair with this treatment. I've known this, I've tried to prepare myself for this, but there's no preparing for this. I know I really should not care. All I should be thinking about is getting better.

But I HATE feeling sick and I especially HATE looking sick. Breast cancer mutilates a woman from the inside out. All that the Lord gave a woman to make her look and feel beautiful is striped from her, including her dignity.

As much as I'm trying to embrace all of this, it is extremely difficult. So I take it one day at a time. There are days where I am emotional and bitter (cannot lie). But then there are days like today, where I'm at peace. It's another "but God" moment for me. Here's what I read in today's devotional, "When you see your disappointment as God's appointment, you start to understand its purpose." WOW! That spoke to me.

I don't know what God's purpose is for me in all of this BUT I do know that it's His appointment and I can find no other place I'd rather be.

Please pray for me that I tolerate this next round better.

"33 But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:33-34

Eve of Treatment #1

It's been a long time since I've experienced such emotional highs and lows. So while I've been recovering quite nicely from surgery and regaining strength in my right arm, it's time to move on to the next phase of treatment...chemo.

As with surgery, I was sad and emotional up until the day prior. And then there was no more. The power of prayer.

So tomorrow at 8:30 am, I will have a port or portacath surgically put in. This is used to administer the chemo so that they don't have to stick me each time. Once the port is in, I will get my first treatment.

I will have 8 rounds of chemo. One round every two weeks for 4 months. Then afterwards, I will have radiation for a full month, Monday - Friday.

I know the Lord does not give us a spirit of fear and I know this season shall soon come to pass. Thank you for your prayers as they continue to be my stronghold.

"I can do ALL things through CHRIST who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

Feeling Better

Sorry, I should have posted this update sooner. But what a difference a day and LOTS of prayers make. By Monday last week, I turned a corner and started feeling so much better and haven’t looked back. Actually, I haven’t had time. I’ve been doing something every day and it feels so good!

I met with the plastic surgeon last week and he said that my incision looks good and that I’m ready for chemo. Wha??? I wasn’t prepared for that! But it certainly is good to hear that I’m progressing well. I meet with him again tomorrow for a “fill” and then I see the oncologist on Wednesday so I will find out when my treatments officially start.

The plastic surgeon also didn’t seem concerned that my arm is swelling up. He said it was pretty normal considering I had 20 lymph nodes removed and I haven’t been using it. So he started me on some light physical therapy and I’ve been using it more and it feels much better. Praise God!

I have been getting out of the house each day, enjoying the beautiful weather. I went shopping and got a pedi! I also went to church on Sunday and it was great to be back. I missed two weeks and it felt like forever! I just pray that I will be able to continue going while on my treatments. That was something I prayed about this morning. I know there will be side effects from the chemo and I’m preparing myself for it. But I especially prayed that I will have energy to enjoy life.

I have several doctor appts. this week and will post an update later in the week. Before I close, I do want to ask for continued prayers, but I also want to ask for prayers for two sweet women battling breast cancer, Chris and Shama. Chris is a childhood friend and I don’t know all the details of her situation, but she has a twin who has been posting updates on Facebook. It’s heartbreaking to hear about her pain and suffering.

Shama and I are related by marriage and while I don’t know her very well, we now have this awful disease to talk about. She went undiagnosed for over 6 months before she was able to finally convince her doctor that something was seriously wrong. In Oct-11, she was diagnosed with stage 3C breast cancer. She just completed 5 months of chemo and will undergo a bi-lateral mastectomy on April 3rd.

You know, as much as I want to feel sorry for myself, I can’t. You don't have to look very far to find someone else's pain and suffering far exceeds your own.

“Even though Jesus was God's Son, he learned obedience from the things he suffered.”
Hebrews 5:8 NLT

Good Days....Bad Days

I really struggled with the title of this post. Even though this past week was pretty rough, I have been blessed beyond all measure.

The first surgery went so well that it set the bar for the second surgery, but much to my disappointment, the recovery from the second surgery (expander) has not been easy. I almost regret it. The expander is so uncomfortable that I don’t know if I will ever get used to it. Granted, it has only been a week so time will tell.

Another issue is that I have limited use of my right hand and arm AND I’m right-handed. Why couldn’t it be my left side?!? I feel so helpless and needy! To add insult to injury, I had an allergic reaction to the antibiotics which caused a rash on my right arm and side. My right arm has also been swelling which could be the onset of lymphedema. I start physical therapy for it tomorrow.

I’m leaving out a lot of details because this is my second attempt at typing this post. I lost the original draft which took a long time since I can only type with my left hand. :-(
Needless to say, I have been at my breaking point and ready to give up!

But then….my youngest, Josh (momma’s boy) gave me a card that he and his Sunday school class made for me. Josh wrote, “I love you mom. Keep fighting.” I lost it…..

Have you noticed throughout the Bible when trials and tribulations arose, the next sentence starts with, but then? But then, the Lord intercedes and pours out His grace and mercy. And that’s exactly what He did for me in that moment. I so needed to hear those precious words, “I love you mom. Keep fighting.”

So even though my heart has been heavy with sadness, I look around my home and see blessings beyond all measure. A day does not go by that I don’t receive cards in the mail or texts from friends checking in on me or a meal at my front door or a call from a relative. My home is filled with flowers, balloons, sweets, care packages, gifts, but most importantly, my home is filled with His/your love. Thank you.

“Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.” 1 John 4:7

No Pain ~ No Gain

Thank goodness for pain meds! Yesterday's surgery was rough, but I'm feeling a little better today. Praise God!

I feel bad for women who have to have a bilateral mastectomy. It's hard enough managing with only one arm, but both.

I'll need to have 2 more reconstruction surgeries but they won't take place for awhile. Next step is chemo and it will start in 2-3 weeks.

Just received some GREAT news. Pathogy results are in and there was no cancer in the breast tissue and only 1 diseased lympnode. Thank you Jesus!

I sooo appreciate all of your prayers! They are definitely being felt.

All the glory and honor is His!

P.S. I'm a little loopie from the pain meds, but hope my post is making sense. ;)

Home Sweet Home

I am home and all things considered, feeling pretty good. The power of prayer is an amazing thing. I am resting comfotably in my pink jammies, pink socks, under a pink blanket, with pink pillows. It's my new favorite color!

There are no words that can express how deeply and truly grateful I am for everyone's loving kindness. Your words of encouragement and prayers have given me much strength. It is comforting to know I am far from alone in this fight.

John and I have been overwhelmed by your thoughtfulness and support. The hospital visits, texts, emails, FB posts, phone calls, cards, gift cards, meals, goodies, beautiful blanket, blouses, candy, magazines, pillows, flowers, plant, ballon bouquets in our house and on our mailbox, pink hair, and a pink ribbon on our neighbor's house. You have thought of everything! I feel LOVED!

Thank you!!!

Your continued prayers are appreciated. I have another surgery on Monday which is outpatient. We also hope to get the pathology results next week which will hopefully provide confirmation that the cancer has not spread beyond a lymph node.

We are also trying to keep things as normal as possible for the boys. It felt so good to hug and kiss on them today. They're at our friends house tonight and skating tomorrow so that outta keep them a little busy.

Thanks again to all and much love,

Sandy

P.S. Thank you Shannon for keeping up my posts and for all you are doing.

HOME!!

Sandy is HOME!

Maybe she will take back her blog.

Or maybe not.

It was so good to talk to her knowing she is able to rest comfortably at home.

And she is amazing. If you don't know her, I am sorry. She is such a beautiful picture of God's grace and love. The way she is handling this journey, I stand in awe.

We want to comfort her, yet she comforts US.

We want to encourage her, she encourages US.

We worry about her, she worries about US.

We want to love her, but we are the ones feeling loved by her.

We had fun filling the house today with pink balloons, but I assure you there was no cleaning going on. I decided when Sandy is better I am making her come over and teach me some organization tips!

Home, such a word that just makes you feel good.

Evening Update

Before surgery today. Quilt made with love by a dear friend with lots of prayers sewn into it.

Just wanted to give a quick update on Sandy. We were able to see her after surgery, and she looked good. My husband went this evening, with out pink hair (which would be tough anyways since he has NO hair) and said she was in pain. Please continue to lift her up. She is supposed to be released tomorrow, and from the care she is receiving at the hospital, I think home will be much more comfortable for her. (Boo for bad service!)


Tomorrow some of us are going in to spruce up Sandy's house, leave some food, & organize her junk drawer before she comes home. That is a joke about the junk drawer. If you know Sandy you know that her house is perfect and she told us that we needed to stay out of her ONE junk drawer. She obviously forgot that she was telling this to the lady with 5 kids (me) who lives in chaos. I might just have to make her a NEW junk drawer in my honor. ;-) Since she was up cleaning toilets this morning before surgery and her house is perfect, we obviously will not be doing much sprucing up. BUT it makes us feel better to just go and DO. So even if we can go in and simply pray over her CLEAN house, throw some food in her refrigerator and leave a little bit of love to welcome her home, we are so happy to go.

If she is not able to update, I will be happy to hijack her blog again soon!

^{Ecclesiastes 4:9&10
9} Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their labor:
¹⁰ If either of them falls down,
one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
and has no one to help them up.

Out of Surgery

I am a friend of Sandy's & she asked me to update her blog. Probably a bad idea to share her password with me! ;-)

Sandy is out of surgery. Things went as well as they expected. From what they can tell, the cancer was as they thought it would be. The pathology report was sent off and will come back in a week or so to be certain. She is in recovery and then John will be able to go back and see her. She will be home tomorrow.

We, her "pink ladies" came this morning before she went back. We came wearing our pink hair with our pink clothes. As we prepared this morning in all this pink, bearing gifts of food and clothes and quilts and more food (we are Baptist, we know how to do food!) I was overcome with thoughts of so much sadness. No matter how much PINK we put on, no matter how many gifts we bring, we can't REALLY make things better. This is not a road we want our friend to be walking. This is not the club we want to be a part of. CANCER is not something we want to understand.

But God...

This verse played over and over in my mind from Psalms.

You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.

We know that each tear that falls, He holds. We know that He is ok with us being sad or mad, He loves Sandy more than any of us for sure!

Sandy has a long road, this is simply the beginning. And we know that God has written her story. We are thankful to be able to be a part of it, even in our sadness.

More Praises

Praising God for a strong man who is honoring his commitment to love me in sickness and in health. Praising God for my family that are just beside themselves with worry. (I love you Mom) Praising God for my church family who are on their knees in prayer for me and my family. Praising God for Godly women for spending time with me, crying with me, and praying with me. Praising God for those who are taking time from their busy lives to feed my family. Praising God for sweet little girls who made the yummiest cupcakes for me. Praising God for co-workers who are supporting me and taking on my workload. Praising God for friends, friends of friends, and complete strangers who are encouraging me and praying for me. Praising God for neighbors offering to lend a helping hand.

Thanks to all for your love and encouragement. It is truly appreciated.

Praising God In This Storm

I really should be on my way to the office, but I had to journal this especially because I already know how busy my day and evening will be.

So my devotional verse today is from Isaiah 54:3, "For you will spread out to the right and to the left." Being honest here, this did not resinate with me, but then the title reads REFUSE TO PULL BACK! Okay, still nothing. But then it goes on to say.....

Satan will try to plant all kinds of fear in your mind about things that are not even likely to happen. He will tell you that your children are going to be lost; that because cancer, Alzheimer's or heart disease runs in your family, you too are going to get it. His goal is to stop you dead in your tracks. He knows God's plan for you is to "spread out to the right and to the left," not pull back. "How long with this attack last?" you ask. At least as long as the longest stand you've taken against Satan in the past! What can you do? Take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day" (Eph 6:13 NKJV). Stand squarely on God's Word and refuse to pull back.

I so needed to hear that this morning. There are days where I feel spiritually drained and I'm sure there will be more days like these to come. But through the power of prayer from my family and friends, Satan will NOT win! He will not strip me of the joy I have in my heavenly Father.

So today, I am praising God in this storm. He will see me through!

I Have Breast Cancer

I am not much of a writer. I rarely post anything on Facebook. I don't have a Twitter or Pinterest account. I'm pretty quiet and private about most things in my life. But I felt I needed to document the journey I am about to embark upon.

You see, on January 17th I was diagnosed with breast cancer. It's taken me a while to actually say that out loud and I assure you that it is becoming more and more of a reality as I am scheduled for surgery this coming week.

Let me rewind a little. So last year I turned 40 and I can't pinpoint exactly when I started feeling some odd sensations in my right breast. But something told me it wasn't right. I had a female doctor visit scheduled in December so I figured I'd discuss it with her. She couldn't feel anything but since I was now 40, she suggested I get a mammogram.

The day of the mammogram I immediately knew there was a problem when the doctor asked for more images of my right breast. He went on to say there was some suspicious calcifications that needed to be biopsied. So I had the biopsy on Monday, January 16th. The next day I got the call confirming cancer and by Wednesday I was in the breast surgeon's office discussing plans for a mastectomy.

Mastectomy?? But I had no tumors, just calcifications so can't they just give me something to get rid of it? That's how uneducated and ignorant I was about this deadly disease. My diagnosis at this time was Stage 0, non-invasive DCIS (ductal carcinoma in situ). If you're going to get breast cancer, this is the least invasive with Stage 4 being the most invasive and my understanding, incurable.

The doctor also wanted me to get an MRI to see if there was more behind the scenes in the lymph nodes. I had never had an MRI before and really didn't know what to expect. Whoa! Was it rough. If you have the slightest bit of claustrophobia, it will set your anxiety off!

My anxiety was the least of my worries because the MRI detected a suspicious lymph node which meant another biopsy. And then there was more bad news....at least one lymph node was diseased which meant my Stage 0 cancer quickly became Stage 2A, invasive ductal carcinoma.

So I went from a healthy 40 year old to one who needed to educate herself quickly about a disease I knew nothing about. A disease that requires an oncological surgeon for the mastectomy, an oncologist (cancer doctor), a radiologist for radiation treatments, and a plastic surgeon for reconstruction. I don't even have a primary care physician!

The plastic surgeon was the most difficult to find and it took 3 tries but the third was the charm. Trouble is, he practices at Barnes while the oncological surgeon is at MO Bap. Ideally, the oncological surgeon will do the mastectomy and the plastic surgeon will slip in afterwards and start the reconstruction process by implanting a tissue expander. All of this can be done in one surgery if your surgeons are on staff at the same hospital. Unfortunately for me, I will have to have two surgeries.

On Thursday, March 1st, I will have a mastectomy at MO Bap and then the following Monday, the 5th I will have a tissue expander implanted at Barnes. By the way, if you google on breast tissue expander, there's a YouTube video of a breast reconstruction. Good gracious! There isn't anything you can't find on the Internet. I'm sure of it.

I realize this is a lot to absorb and trust me, I left a lot out too. I wish I would have started journaling this roller coaster ride sooner, but it's been tough trying to keep up with my already busy schedule but then to add doctor appts after doctor appts.

So while turning 40 has been a curse, it has also been a blessing. While I have breast cancer, it was caught early enough that it is curable. I will be fine. By God's grace, I will beat this. By God's grace, my family will be closer than ever. By God's grace, my marriage will be stronger on the other side of this. By God's grace, I will come to appreciate friendships more than ever and create new ones. By God's grace, I will see life through His eyes and cherish every moment.